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We’d like to share your stories and experiences not only from parents who have suffered a loss but also from affected family and friends whose reactions can also be misunderstood. We have found to share with others through creating this site that it really helps to “get it down on paper” so to speak...
Jemma’s story - 28th September 2006
Jemma wasn’t a planned addition to our family but we knewthat if we ever planned to have children it would never
happen, there is always something that would get in the
way, but my partner and I have known each other long
enough to know that we would make brilliant parents to
our child. We are based in West Africa so were limited to
the medical attention we could receive but we did our best
and had scans whenever we could make the 450km trip to
see the doctor. Although I was dreadfully ill during my
pregnancy, and lost about 17kg, everything progressed
along as normal. I arrived in England in August and they
were concerned my bump was a little small, so managed
to get me in for a scan, where we decided we would find
out the gender of our baby. By the time of the scan she had grown and was spot on for her dates. I then flew to South Africa where Jemma was to be born. I saw the Doctor there and all was well, her heart beat was strong and her due date was rapidly approaching, as we purchased all the things we needed for her. On the 19th September we found out I would have to have a caesarean because my pelvic area is too small and my coccyx doesn’t move. So I was booked in for delivery on the 28th September. My partner arrived in South Africa on the 26th, as he had to work for as long as possible so he’d be able to send as much time with our bundle after her arrival before heading back to work. We went in to see the doctor on the 27th for a scan and an amniocentesis to confirm my dates and make sure she was ready for our world. She was due between the 28th and 1st October – depending on which doctor was working out her dates!
My Partner came into for the scan and the doctor kept working around my belly, my partner had picked up something was wrong, I thought the doctor was just trying to get her face on the monitor for my partner to see. They ‘the’ words that shattered our world were said, ‘I am so sorry but there’s no heartbeat’. I went numb and then hysterical. My partner and I cried our eyes out, I wanted to be sick but I could breath, I just couldn’t do anything. My mother was taken into the doctors’ room and told, and then she came into the consulting room, and cried with us. After a while the doctor came in and asked what we wanted to do, I just said ‘get her out of me’ something now I wish I had never said, but it was what I blurted out. My mother later told me that she had been told that I had to go into hospital immediately for my own health. I was taken straight into hospital and induced at 11am on the 27th September. I had to have a natural delivery because a caesarean has higher risks to the mother when the baby has already died, where a natural birth would have more risks to a healthy baby in our situation, there was no more that could hurt my daughter, so now the focus was on ensuring I came through.
My waters broke about 11pm and shortly thereafter I was transferred into a delivery suite. I was on pain killers (pethadine and then an epidural) right from the word go as I refused to endure any physical pain, the emotional pain was enough! My angel was born sleeping on 28th September 2006, she was perfect except for a few marks on her face where they had to use forceps to help her out. My contractions had stopped as soon as she arrived so they had to remove the placenta manually. There were a few other complications too, but I am lucky that is was nothing too serious. We were able to hold her and take pictures, before she was taken away to the funeral home. I had to return to theatre for a D&C the following day as I was clotting and not all the placenta had been removed, this was when I was nearly lost. I had no will to fight and wanted to be with my daughter, I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to live.
My first born child’s funeral was on the 2nd October and we were able to open her coffin and place a teddy in with her so she wasn’t alone, and also took some more photos. I vaguely remember the service, but the pastor kindly emailed the service to us, so that has been printed and placed in her memory book along with the pictures of our angel, pictures of her flowers, the cards and emails we received and other little mementos, which will always be very special to us and our future children. We have no reason for why Jemma passed, all we do know is that she had passed at least 48 hours before she arrived.
There are so many myths about why we lose children but they tend to be just that; myths. People said I shouldn’t have flown throughout my pregnancy, but she was alive after every flight, so that had no impact on her passing. People said I should have noticed her reduced movements, but there wasn’t much space in there and it felt like she was stretching even the evening before we found out she had passed, and she was already an angel. So whatever people say to try and make it easier, take with a pinch of salt! Our angels passed for a reason, so may be ‘fortunate’ enough to get answers from post mortems, others are not. We chose not to have a post mortem, but I doubt we would have been given any answers if we had. The reasons for Jemma’s passing are not known to us and may never be known, but I do know that there was nothing I did that caused her passing, and I also know that there was nothing the doctors could have done to save her. My next pregnancy will be monitored a little more closely, but there is nothing I would do differently!
My angel will always be loved and much missed, and I hope that she sends us a little brother or sister for her in the near future.
Sent by Sarah Davies - Thank you
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