“I am afraid there is no heartbeat, I’m really sorry.”
From the moment the sonographer told me the news, the tears flowed and the questions started. The first thing I wanted to do was tell Martin and my Mum and Dad. I was allowed to go outside and make the calls. It was very hard for all as Martin was at home with my children 20 miles away and my parents were in Spain a thousand miles away. I just wanted to ring everybody and tell them. I then went back into the maternity unit and was told what would happen next. All I wanted to do was go home.
I asked the midwife lots of questions.
Why me? I’ve had 2 healthy children.
Why has this happened?
Is it the injections? I felt alright before they started just tired.
Will I be able to have another baby and when? I have bought everything.
Why aren’t I crying at the moment?
The midwife gave me a tablet called ……. which is to help detach the placenta. I had to stay 1 hour to ensure I didn’t have any immediate reactions. I was to go back on Saturday morning at 8.30am to a dedicated SANDS room where I would be induced and then have my baby. I was then seen by a doctor who explained the procedure. From looking at the scan results she said that he may have had a heart problem as there was lots of fluid around the thorax and head, but couldn’t be 100% positive.
I was told to think about whether we would want to have a post mortem and she tried to answer my questions above. This is when I was told that this happens to about 6,000 women a year. I was shocked, I had never really heard of it. I thought I was the only one. (I guess I am naïve) I was told that we can start trying for another baby as soon as we are ready, but best to wait 3 months. She didn’t think that the injections would have caused this as after all they are only vitamins. I was then given a blood test and they took 11 vials, my arm ached for a while after - god I hate needles!.
I was then left to think about things over a cup of tea and that’s when I just started to ring people and tell them. It helped me to talk although the other end of the line was very quiet. What do you say to someone when this happens? Martin at home too started to ring people and was met with the same reaction.
I was given some paracetamol and Dihydrocodeine to take home should I get any pain or cramps. I left the hospital and drove home in shock. Martin met me at the door and we just hugged and cried.
The boys, Haydn (8) and Rohan (6) didn’t understand, Rohan laughed and that really upset me, although I do know that laughter is a very common nervous reaction and wasn’t cross with him. After the boys had gone to bed we started discussing the plans. My parents were on their way home from Spain and we waited up for them although we had no intentions of going to bed.
We decided on calling the baby Barney which was one of the names we did both like and to us seemed forever young. I had bought a taggie blanket for the baby the week before and got it out from the nursery and just cried into it. My parents arrived at 2.45am we all hugged and cried more. We also talked which helped too. They bought us a bear which made us cry again. It is a little lost bear that has magnets behind his eyes and his paws cover them.
We eventually got to bed at 4.50am although didn’t sleep and was up again at 7am. As it was Friday we decided to keep the boys in their normal routine and got them ready and sent them to school. Martin explained to the headmistress in case they were upset. We called our employers and gave them the news. I was told not to worry about work and just take it easy. Martin was told they would look into how much time he was allowed off.
We decided that we wanted Barney buried at our local church so rang the Reverend to ask if it was possible, which it was. She asked if she could come round later that evening, we agreed.
Martin rang the SANDS helpline number to ask where we could get a tiny outfit for Barney so that we could have him dressed. After ringing all the local shops in Grantham and the bigger stores in Lincoln we couldn’t think of where else to go to get a small enough outfit. The man at the head office was very nice but unable to help, but said that if we found somewhere to let him know and he would update their website. He recommended that we ring a local befriender. The lady (Julia in Lincoln ) was wonderful knew exactly what we were going through, gave us her mobile number if we ever needed to call again. She told us to try Toys R Us as they do a premature range or a dolly’s outfit as he would be small.
That was very hard walking round the shop looking at the baby clothes and all the nursery soft furnishings (I Love My Bear) that we had already bought. We picked up the premature outfit that went upto 5lb 5oz, but were unsure as it still looked quite big although we weren’t sure what to expect. We also picked up a 12 inch doll that had a blue sleepsuit on which looked a lot smaller.
The reverend came round at 5pm and she just let us talk which was wonderful. We told her that we would like him buried within a week. That was when we got the best bit of advice DON’T CLOSE THE DOORS TOO QUICKLY. She gave us a blessing which started the tears again and said we could call her anytime. We hardly ate that day, one minute we were alright the next just crying. My parents were still with us and would stay for as long as we needed them. That night we bought our mattress down into the front room and just lay watching the TV, cuddling and crying into the taggie blanket. I was now getting very nervous and wanted to know what would happen in the morning when we got to hospital. We found ourselves on the internet from 3am trying to find out any information that would help us.
All I could think about was a coffin going into the ground and decided then that I wanted the song Tears in Heaven playing for the funeral. It was a strange feeling planning a funeral when we hadn’t even had him. We fell asleep about 5am and then were woken by the boys at 7am. We then got ready to go to the hospital, my Dad was to look after the boys. We took everything that we wanted Barney to see. A photo of Martin, I and the 5 children, Barney's taggie blanket, Martins "Blue Teddy" that he had when he was born, with one half necklace which I had bought Martin where we had half the heart each.
Barney's Birth
We arrived at Lincoln County Hospital at 8.30am and made our way to the maternity unit. We were taken straight to the SANDS room... more>>
Coping with the Grief
It is very hard to explain our feelings as we are up one day and down the next. It really helps to know that by doing this website, we may be able to help others who are going through this dreadful tragedy... more>>
The Funeral
It had been almost 3 weeks since Barney's birth when we called the Chaplain at Lincoln County Hospital to see if Barney was back from the Queens Medical Centre... more>> |
