It is very hard to explain our feelings as we are up one day and down the next. It really helps to know that by doing this website, we may be able to help others who are going through this dreadful tragedy...
The journey home was strange as we had left our son at the hospital and would not be bringing him home. It is very hard to explain our feelings as we are up one day and down the next. It really helps to know that by doing this website, we may be able to help others who are going through this dreadful tragedy. We have found the best way of coping is never forgetting and keeping busy with arrangements, and in Martin's case this site and a new Kitchen!
So, once home we decided to ask friends and family to send us a "Bear for Barney", as they would have bought him a gift, had he been born alive. We have a dedicated shelf in our lounge for these, now known as the ‘Barney shelf’. They give us a lot of comfort.
On the Monday we had to register Barney's birth. Martin made an appointment and was told that we could buy a full certificate for £3.50 but would be given a short one for free. It was a difficult time. As we aren’t married and I wanted Martin on the certificate, we both had to go. We had a form from the hospital which the registrar used to get the birth information. She then gave us a certificate to give to the funeral director.
We asked if we could buy a certificate and the registrar said that we would get a free one anyway. It was awful, it just stated that a male stillborn happened on the 18th November and we were the informants. I cried and asked why his name didn’t appear, she said it was an official form and his name wasn’t required. She felt awful and wrote his name on it and said you don’t have to have it. We did then get a full certificate which was much nicer as it made us feel that he did exist, and he was our son.
Next step was to see the funeral director. A lovely man, Robert Holland who has a fantastic reputation and was recommended by so many people. His gentle manner and passion for his work gave us, once again, a feeling of calm and positivity. He was happy to accommodate whatever plans we had for the day, all he required was to know when Barney returned from the post-mortem and he would take care of the rest.
As we had heard from others who had suffered a loss that we should make sure we had no regrets, as a result we have been constantly discussing everything we wanted to do. So even at this early stage we had even planned the funeral in our minds, Robert's and the church's fleixibility we knew we could have all that we wanted. The funeral we wanted needed to include the following elements;
- Music: Tears in Heaven, a fitting song for any child's funeral
- Music: Walking in the Air (Snowman Theme) which means a lot to us anyway but also represents how we had such a short time with Barney and even though we lost him physically, the memories would never melt away.
- We wanted a small service in the Nave of the church so we could keep the service very intimate especially for the children.
- As the children never had the chance to meet Barney we wanted them to have a personal touch so we wanted a white coffin so that on the day they could write their own personal message for him.
- Martin wanted to carry Barney from the church to the graveside, as Suzanne had carried him into the world.
We were conscious that as the children never got to meet their new brother and they would never get to hold, cuddle or play with him. By way of a "Barney Substitute" we bought them all identical teddy bears that they could cuddle as much as they liked. It seemed also a good idea to get Mummy and the Grandmas one too. We found the perfect large bear and filled a trolley with 8 of them, much to the amusement of others in the shop! Next step was to personalise their "Barney Bear" so we went into the pet store next door and bought 8 heart shaped pet tags and had them engraved with Barney name, date of birth and a little message from him, needless to say this raised a few more eyebrows!
The next major hurdle was telling Martin's children Catiy, Jonathan (JD) and Ellie who live with their Mum down in Hampshire. We wanted to tell them in person but needed to wait until Suzanne was up to the long drive down to them. Earlier in the year a close friend of their Mum's, Lisa suffered the loss of her baby Alfie 2 days after being born premature, this upset them greatly and we were worried about their reaction to the loss of their brother.
We drove down to Martin's parents the day before so we were that much closer, and arranged to be at the kids house early morning before they awoke so not to disrupt their normal school routine. Once we had told them the tears flowed again, however, we could see that the Barney Bears did provide a source of comfort as seen when we gave them to Haydn and Rohan the night before. The bears haven't left their sides ever since.
The next item on the agenda was fitting memorials to Barney. We had a brief look at headstones but as there needs to be a few months ground settling we decided to leave this until the new year. We did however need a grave marker and we found exactly what we wanted on eBay, not only a beautiful plaque on a nice hardwood plinth. Most importantly the service we received was very sensitive and timely. For a memorial at home we went for a tree, we wanted an evergreen but in a garden surrounded conifers it had to be different. In our local garden centre we found the perfect one; a Strawberry Tree. Then it was back on eBay for another plaque to put with the Tree, and a speedy service job by Stu of SD Engravings meant we got it in time for the planting on the day of the funeral.
The Funeral
It had been almost 3 weeks since Barney's birth when we called the Chaplain at Lincoln County Hospital to see if Barney was back from the Queens Medical Centre... more>>
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