We arrived at County Hospital, Lincoln at 8.30am and made our way to the maternity unit. We were taken straight to the Sands room by the receptionist which was immediately to the right of the entrance of Nettleham Ward. The room was beautiful. A double bed, an armchair, TV and DVD player, tea and coffee facilities and a separate toilet and basin room, with flowers. On the walls were some beautiful poems which made us cry.
The midwife came in and introduced herself in a very friendly way and asked if we minded a student nurse coming in with her and explained how the inducing works. I was to have 2 pessaries inserted vaginally every 3 hours to soften the cervix. I was given paracetamol and dihydrocodeine as pain relief for any cramps that may begin. After the first set of pessaries I was also given an antibiotic suppository in case of any infection. I had to lie down for about an hour afterwards to ensure the pessaries had dissolved before I started moving.
We asked the midwife lots of questions:
How long will it take?
Unfortunately this is not a question that can be answered as everybody is different. As I had had children before she thought it might be after the 2nd or 3rd set.
What will he look like?
I was scared that he would look like an alien. I couldn’t imagine a very tiny baby. She told us he would be beautiful and just look asleep. She also said he may be pinker than normal.
Should we have a post mortem?
Which she couldn’t answer for us. (Our initial knee-jerk reaction, as with most, is no - this is a hard decision at the time)
Will I have a lot of pain?
Again this is something that depends on each individual and gestation of the baby. For me at 27 weeks I wouldn’t need to fully dilate.
How long will we have with him?
We were told we could have as long as we wanted with him.
After the 2nd set of pessaries we asked the midwife about funeral arrangements and she asked us if we wanted to see the hospital chaplain Revd Tim Couchman to discuss, as the hospital can take care of all these for free of charge. We agreed to see him and he came within the hour. He was lovely. His presence made us feel very calm after all our crying.
We asked him when we could have the funeral and he said depending on whether or not you have a post mortem. From Lincoln all babies are sent to Queens Medical Centre in Nottingham and can be there for anything up to a month. Our immediate reaction was not to have one as we couldn’t imagine having to wait that long for the funeral and him having to travel so far. We told him that we had already spoken to our local vicar and she had agreed we could have Barney buried in Carlton Scroop. He was pleased we had checked with her first as he couldn’t have agreed to this without speaking to her first, this also meant another worry we had was cleared up.
He offered to take care of all the arrangements, but felt that we knew exactly what we wanted so it might be best for us if we went through a funeral director. It might not be free but they would only charge the minimum. He offered us a naming and blessing ceremony once Barney was born and as he was on call that night it would be him that came whatever time, if we wanted to have one.
The third set of pessaries were inserted, and I was given more paracetamol and dihydrocodeine. I was asked if I was having any cramps, but wasn’t. She also said that there might be some blood loss.
We spent most of the day talking, reading and watching the television. The midwife then said that we would have to move to the labour ward once the contractions started, which immediately upset me, as I didn’t want to see or hear any other Mums and babies.
Just before the 4th set of pessaries I started to get back ache. When the midwife came to put them in she said that this set might do the trick. My cervix was slightly more dilated. After half an hour I started to get contractions every couple of minutes. I just kept walking around and tried not to show that I was in pain because I didn’t want to go to the labour ward. After 20 minutes they became every minute and we called the midwife who took me in a wheelchair straight up to the labour ward. It was a beautiful room and I didn’t see or hear anyone else, this made me feel much calmer.
The pain was all in my back. Martin and my Mum took it in turns to rub my back. I was offered pethedine but after having it with my first child, I didn’t want it again as it made me so sick. The midwife said it would still be a while yet so I started having some gas and air. I felt I needed the toilet so went and just as I was walking back and got onto the bed I could feel him coming. WHY ME? I DON’T WANT HIM TO COME OUT!
At 2045 the tears started then Barney came straight out. He was beautiful, he just looked curled up and sleeping. I stopped crying as the pain went immediately. I had to deliver the placenta. Barney was wrapped in a blanket and put in the cot. I was told to continue on the gas and air while I delivered the placenta and was checked that everything was ok. I felt completely spaced out and it cleared my mind.
Martin and Mum went to see Barney and talked to him. I just wanted to have a shower first. Maybe that was my first bit of rejection. Martin was worried that I didn’t want to see him. I got washed and dressed then went over to the cot. He was still wrapped in the blanket and looked gorgeous. He was a definite Brewin.
Martin took pictures of him, most of the pictures we took we would never show to anyone as these portray deeply personal moments. We each cuddled him, kissed him, but decided not to try and clothe him as one was too big and one was too small! The midwife weighed him (1lb 13oz) and measured him (33 cm long), took his hand and footprint. Overall, the experience was as though we had given birth to a live baby, only he never cried or woke.
We asked for the chaplain to come after a couple of hours, to carry out a naming and blessing ceremony which he did, the atmosphere in the room was filled with peace and serenity and although it was only a couple of minutes long, it was very meaningful and fitting for the occassion.
We spent over three hours with Barney and felt that it was time for us to leave him. We were all in good spirits and were able to celebrate his birth as opposed to our loss.
We returned to the SANDS room where we all slept the night. In the morning the consultant came round to see us to ask if we wanted to have a post mortem. We agreed we would have every test available, not only for answers as to why this happened but also for research purposes.
I was told by the midwife that my milk would come in within the next few days and they don’t give any tablets to stop this as they have found it is best to let nature take its own course. I can take paracetamol every four hours which will take some of the pain away.
Coping with the Grief
It is very hard to explain our feelings as we are up one day and down the next. It really helps to know that by doing this website, we may be able to help others who are going through this dreadful tragedy... more>>
The Funeral
It had been almost 3 weeks since Barney's birth when we called the Chaplain at Lincoln County Hospital to see if Barney was back from the Queens Medical Centre... more>> |
